Chamber of Reflection

This room of reflections know you a little too well. Even the parts you've chosen to hide from yourself.

An honest reflection of one, the kind where you ought to face even your “shadow”. The parts of yourself that you wish you weren’t.

These parts however, cannot be separated from you and discarded because- well you wouldn’t be you without it.

Let’s set the stage up, you enter a room.
Mirrors everywhere, not just on the walls but rather a maze of mirrors.

Hmm, it’s a bit more eerie than I’d anticipated.
Oh well, we do tend to interpret things we don’t particularly understand as “dreadful”
Let’s say these reflections conjured up aren’t what you’d expect them to be. You’d probably expect a mirror image of yourself but what you see isn’t what you’re prepared for.
You see, these mirrors aren’t looking at you- but rather- into you.
…….
What’s that? Am I with you on this?
Hmmm, I am. I do not have a grasp on myself either you see.
……

My thought pattern? Oh- that’s- pardon me, I wasn’t expecting to be questioned since the usual kind that I meet here are looking for the quickest way to get this over with but if you’re intrigued then- allow me to let you take a peek within.

So, you understand how we’re here because of the ones before us? The fact that they survived is what led to our “birth”.
That’s where most discussions really end, though I ponder if you’ve ever thought of it the way I’m about to explain.
Throughout time, there have been many a catastrophe and disasters that plagued our kind as a whole.
Be it outbreaks of diseases or war that left us devoid of resources.

Tough, hard times right? Starvation and Despair and what not.
What if I told you, that during all of these events. I believe the inherently good nature of humanity died out.
……
What do I mean by that?
When catastrophes like these hit society, the ones who die out first are always the good people. The “good” people who refuse to give up their humanity to steal and cannibalize.
We- you and I both are a result of natural selection weeding out the most important characteristics required for survival over millenniums. The characteristics simply happen to be “the will to do whatever is necessary to survive”.
…….
You don’t like the way I’ve termed everything? I- understandable. I do hate the thought of thinking something along the lines of well- my parents are then quite bad themselves or my partner is a horrible piece of shit.
But that’s not what I want you to take out of this really. The intent for me to give you all the information I’ve given you is to simply make you aware of the fact that human nature could inherently be bad.
But perhaps that’s one of the few ways I still find humankind to be beautiful.
……
You’re perplexed- Yea, I get told that often.
There have always been those who fight with everything they’ve got to ensure good virtues survive, you know those philosophers and what not especially.
Honorable, I’d say- especially because they succeeded.
How do I put this into perspective for you- We seem to have a way to find something worth- giving up our personal vendettas.
An angel once told me, our blessings are a double edged sword. When we find things worth protecting, we become weaker.
Easier to break and what not.

You know, love and brotherhood and other senses of strong almost inexplainable emotions that engulf us sometimes.
…….
My- demeanor changed? AHAHA, fascinating. Perhaps I’m hopeful again that there lives something hauntingly beautiful within this madness.
Go on, it’s time for you to face the reflections. I’m oddly looking forward to seeing how I’ve grown myself.

I’ll have to break my own reflections within two different blocks. The first one is more so an embrace of the madness that’d been spurring but as I’d planned to write this piece, something did yoink me out of that silly daze. Let’s call it a blessing that pulled me out so, I’ll dive into the madness to write the first peace while the latter half would be an aftermath reflection.

I don’t really like what the mirror is showing me. If I were to read it, it’s showing me as- incomplete.
A jigsaw puzzle with both a center piece and a corner piece missing.

Am I a lie or- more accurately a mirage then?
I lack- a direction, don’t I? I’m aware of my own abilities, I can conjure up fascinating images with my words. Allure you into reading further but- what about the direction? The vision of the end.

Am I a child without an ending?
The ultimate cheat code of access to the way to navigate the maze yet the final 10 pages of the book is seemingly ripped off?

What the heck- I’m abnormally childish- hidden in my own blanket- like a child refusing to grow up.
Though I did grow up- I think? Faster than what would probably be asked of me.

Was I not ahead- on everything?

Oh my- I’m terrified. If I were to describe this- I’m at a wall and the ledges I’d used to climb up until now have ran out?
Is this some twisted joke then?
Because I vividly remember struggling and suffering to collect everything I could to craft these “ledges”.

I’ve been a part of so much till now- a good part. I made sure of it-

I- was always ahead. That’s why I had answers for everything- that’s why I could build- everything.

Agh, tis a horrible feeling.

Anomalies occurred, I remained stagnant. Maybe for too long.

Now, everything I’ve been a part of us and helped build have surpassed me. I’m the one behind now.
Oh- wait, is that not a good thing for a change?
All of those can now function independently of me, even if it’s for a while.

I can tend to myself- actually understand it all. Not saying I’ve never understood myself at all but rather I can now know what piece of the puzzle is missing exactly?

---

I don’t like the way the pieces have been arranged so far to “make up” the constituent of me.
I wish to break it all apart and start “reforming” these pieces in a better order.

To become the me that’s now needed for my own sake. I need to tear apart the me that has existed thus far.

New formulas and combinations, though I can’t really swap out the corner pieces ever right? They’re stuck there, but I can write over them just a little.
I think I like the corner pieces, those are like the things that peek out just a little as the me that has always existed.

I don’t particularly hate myself after all, I’m just aware of the change that’s needed. In fact, I think I’m quite proud of myself with the way I executed the hand I’d been dealt.

OH THERE ARE UGLY PARTS STILL, Comforting- Would I ever wanna be “perfect” after all? I simply believe in myself to overcome the next maze or monster put in front of me. GAMER MOMENT MUCH?

The character I’m most fascinated by in all of fiction is quite literally Natsuki Subaru from Re-zero so- those aware might be able to make a few connections.

Hmm, the character that survives in an apocalyptic movie right until the climax? Could be me.

I expected my reflections to be much worse, bad enough for me to pity myself- or go into a state of acceptance of the horrible but- what’s this kindness I feel instead?

Oh, I’m very selfish when it comes to VERY NICHE specific things and not selfish enough when it comes to everything else. An odd case?- An odd- nutcase?

Am I bad? Am I not? Interesting tho innit? Oh dear, this reflection might have simply stirred up the confusion even more.

Perhaps, I’m a little detached and alienated? I do not get certain things that seem like common courtesy or knowledge.
So am I bad- am I not? Heh- Do I actually have a fetish for being bad? Thankfully not.
I still don’t think I have an ending to anything but- am I a perpetual database then?
Well, all decorated artists seem to have some essence of “fuckery” with them so- maybe it isn’t all bad.

As I clack my tongue around here and scan around my brain for what I’m “feeling”, I wonder, if acceptance of oneself is something I’d done awhile ago.

The aftermath? You see, I was visited by an angel.
Made me realize, I seem to tie my reasons for existence within my “use” and how “useful” I perhaps am.

I’m aware I’m dumb and awfully thick on the head often times, which may seem new to people who know me maybe and very obvious to like one or two of you but I figured I’d just admit it.

I have been incredibly stupid with the way I’ve sometimes let myself be and sure enough, I may repeat these tendencies but- After yesterday (The 21st of December, 2022). This is almost pretentious of me yet I feel relieved. Like a stone labelled “HERE’S SOMETHING YOU HADN’T EVEN CONSIDERED YOU BIG BITCH” smacked me right on the face and I’m grateful for it.

I’d slipped you know, slipped and just stayed stagnant this time around without getting back and it seems to not suit me.

Destined for whatever I may be, I’m gonna find those final pieces that seem to always allude me.
Though yes, I like the corner piece of being capable to become enthralled by almost anything.

I hope you didn’t expect to fully understand yourself within there and what it showed you.
…..
It left you with more questions? Well- yes? Now that your understanding of oneself has been heightened, you see more of what’s always been there.
You’ve simply gained a new vision.
We’re not meant to figure everything out- possibly ever.
There’s always more.
We’re a piece you know- and you seem to be one that’s shining rather bright for- god knows what reason-
WAIT- NEVERMIND IT WAS JUST THE SUN REFLECTING FROM YOU. OH WELL-

THE ANGEL THAT VISITED ME IS RATHER STUPID TOO, SEEMS TO HAVE GROWN THOUGH- …. STILL STUPID.
Wouldn’t be here without the angel however so I do express my gratitude even if I will not take back the claim of stupidity.