Querencia: 05/02/2024
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What have you been up to? - I mean, it certainly has been a while. The earths spun around about 90 times and then some since we were last here.
…
Where was I? Well, I was merely going through my closet when I accidentally tumbled into some strange land and a lion suddenly started talking to me and then it all eventually escalated into some grand battle. My memory is sort of hazy when it comes to this entire ordeal, but I think it can be summed up as, The Lion, The Witch and the Audacity of this Bi-.
Happy New Year. I realize I am saying it awfully late, more than a month of when it is deemed to be wished upon you.
However, me being late may have some upsides to it (I’m definitely not trying to steer us away from the fact that I was still late).
January was cold, or hot- if you’re one of them south-hemispherians. I’m sure it was summer for you lot.
Now that the first month of the year is behind all of us and the collective motivation we seem to develop collectively as a species begins to leave us stranded, how are you doing with your resolutions?
I do not mean to attack you in any way, rather it’s just a quick little me smacking you in the face as I drive by- Wait, that’s the opposite of what I’m trying to deny. ANYWAYS, you get the point.
Resolutions do not need to be big and grandiose all the time, rather how are you doing with the small things you do have control over?
Me? I HAVE SUCKED AT EM. Yes, me asking you how you were doing was a carefully laid trap to have you sucked into a rant of mine and you fell for it. FOOLS.
I have been occupied but that is not why I did not write these past few months. I was occupied yet I was also angry, for a reason I did not know. A reason I’m still not sure I know of now.
It is true that emotions often fuel works that are a writer’s better works and while I have written pieces before while in a state of rage, the pieces I attempted to write were fueled by malice. This malice did not just manifest itself into my work, it seemed to seep out of it. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to put it out there for anyone to see.
For all I preach, I am still a scared shitless speck after all.
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I may have been angry due to neglect. Not neglect due to being outcasted or having my social needs unfulfilled, rather the neglect of being seen. That too by my own self. I often fail to treat myself as someone with his own needs and wants, or so it seemed after introspection. I am a vessel conjured up for the purpose of observation and service, to look outward and see all that makes up this planet within the stretch of time one would call my life. A vessel to document, a vessel to serve. A vessel to function for something more than itself.
I have always been curious but at some point, that curiosity all stemmed outward. All my observations consisted of the everything around me. I catered away from myself to focus so much on everything else. I saw, I acted on my deductions of what I’d seen and document and while it might have made me a decent kid, it also made me a neglected kid. It is not that I felt unloved, to say so would be to spit in the face of all who have been kind to me.
The fault was my own, I had spent years looking outside through this window I loved so much to the point I had no recollection of my own room, let alone the house. All I was now familiar with was the outside, as such I grew scared of this blank in my head. Had my plants died due to my neglect? Was my bed even there anymore? Was it even my room anymore?
I ran but where could I go? The window only stretched so far before it blended with the walls of the room. Would I like what I see if I turn around? Will I spend the rest of my little eternity with this view? I adore this view; it has given me so much joy but is that why I cling to it? I cannot JUST do this, as much as I love it because I can feel myself eroding away and if I do not let go and turn around I know I will despise this view before long and that is something that terrifies me even more than closing the curtains so forgive me, I must go.
Cobwebs and Dust. I suppose that is to be expected after all these years. All four chambers, with all its furniture now looked as though it had been left in an everlasting night until fate would finally smile upon this room again.
As adults, the cleaning would have taken longer I reckon but you know how kids are. Curious, he could not wait months to see how this place would look with a fresh coat of paint and some additions to give it some personality. While it wasn’t instant and took longer than he would have liked, kids with their curiosity can be relentless.
Should I even attempt to describe the room now? Warm. Warm like two layers of blankets on a cold December night as you can hear the faint sound of wind in the hallway.
I can see the window slightly too. The moon is bright, and the clouds and stars are in harmony. In this moment, I may be the most joyful soul across the cosmos.
Your resolutions are truly, the least of the matter I wish to press you with. Rather, I can just hope January and you have well- treated yourself well. You see, often it is the simplest of tasks that elude us, the simplest of ordeal that well- hold up a big chunk of one’s subconscious.
We often do not realize that we are capable of doing the most ridiculous amount of “living” in any given moment. We are after all, at the helm of our own little ships in this fuckery of waves we call life. Perhaps after you have checked up on yourself, turn back your journal and look at the resolutions you made for yourself. Failing just equals a big jump boost sometimes, you just need to keep your eyes peeled, be not afraid to look where light may not be and stay on your feet. There is still time if you choose to use it.
If I was able to evoke a certain emotion called MOTIVATION in you, that’s all good but as with all emotions, that will fade. To motivate you was not the point, the point was to smack you in the face with the hard cold truth that You can do it. At any point, you can pick yourself back up and you can move ahead. A step, two of those, a thousand steps, a thousand kilometers. They are all still further than right now. You may rest, you may find your patch of perfect grass. You may rest for now, for a while, for a long while and all of that too is fine but don’t choke yourself on air that has left you behind. Move. You possess all the ability to carry on, wherever you choose to go.
I am quite pretentious it seems.
Meh, I like writing and you my dear friends are going to see my tidbits of pure fuckery on your little magical screens whenever you choose to visit.
I love how your posts just make me smile. Thank you for sharing your writing with all of us
Goddamn I love your writing